I don’t know if I speak for everyone, but I never have a problem with my anger – until I have a problem! Or a temper tantrum, or blow my stack, or hit the roof, or spit the dummy, or (I think you get it…) Yes, anger can be a problem that seems to take over with little or no warning. Furthermore, it can be very hard to control once it’s escaped.
Warning signs
Other people are usually aware when we have a short fuse.
However, sometimes we are not aware of our own anger building in the background…
Perhaps we are not aware that someone is pushing our buttons…
Maybe we are not aware of our anger triggers and warning signs…
Or, maybe we are aware of all of these things, and we simply choose to ignore them until the anger outburst happens.
That is the problem with anger. We don’t know we have a problem, until we have a problem!
So, what should we do about managing our anger?
Obviously, if we have anger issues that are getting out of control, we need some way of managing our anger…
You don’t have to be Einstein to figure out that anger affects the people around us.
Lack of anger management is damaging
It can damage our relationships, it can ruin friendships, and it causes problems in the work place.
No surprises there. When we aren’t able to deal with anger appropriately, it is the people around us who often suffer the most.
What is Anger?
Anger is actually a primitive emotion that all animals experience, and it is designed for survival.
Anger can vary anywhere from frustration, to irritation, to absolute fury. The intensity of these feelings depends entirely on the circumstances, and our personal reaction to those events.
Invariably, anger is accompanied by chemical changes in the brain and also in the body. This is called the fight or flight response. History tells us that human survival depended on our ability to fight off threats or flee from danger.
So, is anger good or bad? Anger is simply an emotional state.
The first thing to understand
Some anger is good for us. Without a doubt, angry feelings have served us as humans. And, because it is a survival mechanism, we will therefore never be able to “cure anger”. Nor should we, because getting angry is sometimes good for us.
Throughout history, anger has been viewed as a negative emotion. And, in Roman times, warriors were trained that “anger is worthless even for war” [Seneca].
Psychologists are beginning to understand that anger can be good for us. It would appear that controlled anger is good for us because it provides motivation, focus, and helps us make decisions. So, learning to control our rage and use anger management strategies is the right thing to do.
The challenge is to harness our anger and get good at expressing anger such that we make good and healthy decisions!
Anger management for a happy, healthy life
What we are highlighting here is the difference between anger management and uncontrolled rage.
There is no doubt that rage and fury can lead to ongoing conflict, blame and arguments. It can be downright dangerous, as is evidenced by the growing visibility of domestic violence issues in Australia.
But disagreement is normal, and something we need to learn to manage is anger without heated conflict.
If you know that you have anger issues, then adopting anger management techniques can certainly help when it comes to negotiation and conflict resolution.
Do you know that uncontrolled anger can affect your health?
Yes, one of the problems with uncontrolled anger is that it raises stress levels within the body. The heart rate rises and blood pressure can be affected. Anyone with high blood pressure will need to be aware of how their emotional state will be affecting this. Clearly, this is not healthy.
Anger management for health in the short term and long run
When we operate at high stress levels for long periods of time, we tend to suffer more stress and more anxiety. This leads to excessive tiredness and loss of focus.
So, it can be a positive step forward to learn techniques for expressing anger in a healthy way, because this is also a great way to reduce stress and anxiety. Breathing deeply for a few moments and taking a brisk walk seriously do work wonders for learning to stay calm and feel better.
Handle Anger in Healthy Ways
Here are some easy and helpful ways to manage your anger before it becomes a problem:
- Learn to recognise the signs of raised emotions – what are your warning signs?
- Learn to recognise the triggers for your anger – do you just hate a traffic jam?
- Think through the emotion and decide whether it is good or bad – can you identify negative thoughts?
- Use deep breaths to control the emotion – the breath is powerful.
- Walk away or distance yourself if you can’t control it – take a moment to get some fresh air.
- Use a physical outlet to reduce the emotion
- Talk to someone you trust
Of course, these tactics only work if your anger and emotions have not already become out of control.
There is always a risk that when we have heightened emotions or stress, that anger will get out of control before we realise it.
Anger Management the Wrong Way!
You might be surprised to learn that even when we think we are good at controlling anger, we might still be doing it wrongly!
The two most common ways of dealing with anger are to vent our anger, or suppress our anger.
Neither of these methods for managing emotions are good for us or the people around us. Let me explain.
Anger Oppression – the anger ‘explosion’
Outbursts of anger are the most common way that we express our anger, but this comes at the cost of our relationships and our health.
In a bizarre fashion, we can actually feel better after an anger explosion, because we like to vent our feelings.
The trouble is it becomes a bad habit to let our feelings blow up. And, this is not a good way to behave around the people we care about.
Anger Suppression
Many people have learnt to suppress their anger, and this can also be very damaging.
When we were growing up, it was a normal and natural part of childhood to experience anger and frustration.
The trouble for little kids is that they may find it difficult to express their frustration in words. Or, perhaps adults don’t allow kids the time needed to process their emotions.
But it is inevitable for kids to experience anger. And, they are quickly told to “stop that temper tantrum”. Or, “don’t speak like that to me” or some other angry response.
So, instead of dealing with anger, we learn to suppress anger. That then means we allow it to build up on the inside.
Unfortunately, this leads to emotional overwhelm, and it can all boil over at a later time.
Then, we tend to take it out on people who do not deserve to be at the sharp end of our pent up emotions.
Is anger management a problem for you?
It is normal and natural to experience anger. Furthermore, it is inevitable that we might lose our temper every now and again.
But we need to ask ourselves if it is normal to live with anger all the time. Or, if it is acceptable to have uncontrollable rage and fury.
If we don’t learn anger management strategies, it can take quite a toll on the people around us, as well as on our own self confidence.
Here are some key indicators of serious anger problems:
- Overwhelmed by anger or emotion
- Frequent expression of anger, frustration and irritation
- Outbursts of anger over trivial events
- Responding to conflict with anger
- Anger that turns violent or aggressive
- Use of addictive substances as a coping mechanism
- Alienation of friends, family or work mates.
The key is to recognise the signs of anger problems
Often, the biggest problem with anger is recognising the problem exists.
For many of us, leading busy lives, and dealing with high levels of stress every day, we can become used to living with high emotions.
There is nothing wrong with enjoying life to the full, and embracing the feeling of being alive.
But when these very same emotions become overwhelming, we just don’t know how to turn down the volume!
We become used to living a high octane lifestyle. Unfortunately, we don’t always learn how to deal with things that go wrong.
And this takes me back to the beginning. The problem with anger is we don’t know we have a problem, until we have a problem!
How to Manage Anger
When you find yourself in a challenging situation, it is normal and natural to feel stressed and upset.
But if we don’t resolve our feelings, these emotions will be suppressed and stay with us, buried in our sub-conscious mind.
Even if we think we have suppressed it or forgotten about it, the uncomfortable feeling often remains.
And we tend to carry the baggage around with us for a long time.
Techniques for Managing Angry Feelings
Instead, it is better to express our feelings, either directly to be person involved, or to another person if necessary.
But we need to control the emotions in order to discuss our feelings.
I love this quote attributed to Buddha:
“Holding onto Anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; You are the one who gets burned.”
Talking with the person who has raised your anger can be a difficult task!
But we need to be sensible about this – if the issue is just a minor disagreement then there need not be a problem.
If you can discuss the issue with the person, it is important to approach them in a calm and helpful way.
We need to be able to express our feelings in an open and honest way so that we can have proper communication.
When we have heightened emotions, it is very easy to raise the emotions of the other person.
When that happens, it is very unlikely that we will be able to resolve anything useful – we will just make it worse.
How to take the anger out of a conversation
It can be a good idea to talk over the phone, because there can be less emotion visible that way.
At least you can establish the boundaries for finding the best solution to the problem.
Or, you could ask an impartial third person to be present during the conversation, which also helps to keep things calm.
Remember it is unlikely that you will both agree on an outcome, so be prepared to compromise.
Long Term Strategies for Anger Management
There are many useful strategies for anger management. Many of the best revolve around developing helpful personal habits.
The most effective way to manage long term stress, anger, frustration and anxiety is with regular exercise.
It is invaluable to become active and mobile, no matter what age you are, or what your fitness level is.
A simple walk each day is an excellent tool for diffusing exessive anger. This is because it calms the mind, and clears the fog.
When we are more focused, and have mental clarity, we can often keep our emotions in perspective and avoid overwhelm.
For the same reason, deep breathing, yoga, meditation, or massage therapy can be excellent to begin to feel calmer.
There are many other relaxation techniques that we can use to reduce the emotional overload, and prevent those outbursts of anger.
Find someone to talk to
We should always recognise the need to express our emotions, rather than hide or suppress our anger.
Obviously it can be very difficult to talk to the person who has triggered our anger.
It can be difficult to remain calm when someone is pushing our buttons.
And as we have learned, if we suppress our own anger just to side step around someone else’s anger, that just adds to our own baggage.
Do you want someone to talk to?
If you think that a Psychologist or Therapist or Counsellor sounds too clinical, then why not consider a coach?
A coach will be able to help you take the emotion out of the conversation. A coach works alongside you, as your equal, and helps you confidently develop what works for you for managing anger. Sometimes you need to be heard first. Our anger often stems from unmet needs and from fear. Receiving skilled and experienced anger coaching can be life changing.
At Anger Management Brisbane we approach anger coaching from the point of view that you are not ‘broken’. You are not ‘bad’ and you do not have a ‘problem’. Our anger coaching recognises that people have generally never been educated in how their emotions work. Furthermore, they have no idea that by not having been taught how to look after their emotions, they have no way to manage anger. So, we don’t diagnose you, label you or prescribe you. If you’d like an obligation free conversation with our anger coach, call today.
