Coaching emotions in ourselves is a powerful skill to have. Especially when we’re in the habit of constantly getting ourselves frustrated. Frustration can lead to anger and before we know it, we’ve blown our stack again. There’s lots of situations that can lead to frustration and anger and the one we’ll look at here is the need to always win. The need to always be right. There’s actually a logical explanation for it. At least to a certain point. Which is a good thing, because always having to be right can be detrimental to all kinds of relationships.

Is the need to win a strong force in you?

Do you always strive to win? Are you always striving for more and better ?

The problem here is:

• Do you get frustrated by always trying to reach the top?
• Do you argue with friends, family and work colleagues by trying to win all the time?
• And, in particular, do you get angry when you don’t succeed ?

This is actually caused by one of our natural hormones called serotonin.  Serotonin is responsible for the human urge for social dominance.  So, if you get frustrated by the inability to win all the time, you can blame your serotonin!

There is no doubt we can achieve enormous satisfaction from winning.  But at what cost to the other areas of our life? If we strive to win all the time, we get accustomed to winning, and the buzz reduces a little bit. Then we need to try again and again to reach the buzz that we like to feel.  This is where coaching emotions in ourselves can be particularly important.  See why, next…

How does our ‘needing to win’ work in our relationships?

When we win all the time, what do other people around us think about that? What we have to realize about our own urge to win is everyone else wants to win sometimes as well.  Would you agree?

That is probably why other people get on our nerves! But there is no need to make enemies with other people over this stuff. We need our relationships and our friendships and our family to remain on good terms.  And goodness knows we need to make progress at work and get the job done.  That usually involves a level of getting on with others.  So, we simply can’t and should not necessarily win every single competition we think is happening around us.  When I say ‘competition’ think – discussion, decision, argument, interaction.  Recognising our emotions, then coaching emotions to have fulfilling and productive relationships and interactions with other people is where we need to be to get on well in life.  If you find everyone around you is driving you nuts and you often end up angry, could there be something in this for you?

We are not living in the cave anymore

What I am talking about is this.  We are not cavemen any more.  Most of us have moved on!  However, we’re no longer worrying about winning the hunt for food, or winning the ownership of a better cave.  We no longer have to fight for our everyday existence.  Life is a little easier these days.

So, instead, we fight for social dominance.  Or recognition. Or the next promotion at work.  In general, we’ll fight for whatever else we consider important. The trouble is, someone else will most likely be chasing those same things.  And instinctively, our serotonin levels will go up and we will compete flat out. Right? But unfortunately, we cannot win every competition, and this might leave us feeling bad, frustrated, and angry.  Does any of this feel familiar? Learning to be in charge of coaching emotions in ourselves comes powerfully into play here.  We can calm our own frustrations and battles by being aware of this instinctive response.

Coaching emotions in ourselves

But what are we always fighting others for? Not all of these aspirations are life threatening.  Maybe barely even life changing. But, we are tricked into placing a false level of importance on the competition.

And it is all due to serotonin.

And this is why we are never satisfied with winning once.  Because there is always another level to strive for. There is always another mountain to climb…

The only way to stop this cycle is to understand what the hell is going on here.  To begin coaching emotions in ourselves

It is all a product of our own imagination (perspective), with a dose of serotonin thrown into the mix.

So, take care of your family and friends. Maybe let someone else win the next argument (I mean, ‘healthy discussion’!) Step into the shoes of your argumentative work colleagues and see if they don’t have a valid point worth considering.

You might find you can be happy – even when you don’t win. Give it a try!

If something in this message resonated with you, do give me a call.  I offer coaching services that turn peoples lives around.